Sunday, July 11, 2004
haiz...sad....very....very....very...sad....my old life kinda taking me back....the old me might be cumming back....that door is open...it's open...by sumone...shd have never gone there...never....damn risky...wanted to take my life...end ....haiz....was pulled down today....really pulled...dreams...inspiration...lost...pride...dignity...no more...was told i never control my anger...cant blame him...cuz he never knew how much anger i could release...he tot i never tried....but i did...he just didnt know...cuz if never control...whd have not be talking to him there already...whd have been hitting around...throw things.....scream.....but i didnt... i controled...but was pulled down..cuz he said i didnt control...didnt try...didnt change..i am not perfect...and i know tt....no over nite change is easy...was accused of thinking i'm too noble... so i guess it was a lie when you said i was huh??ask arnd whether each human is different...they will say yes...i cant be like you...i'm not perfect...but you're always picking on my flaws...pushing it till i can no longer stnad to fite fer my rights...he said he helped me...but did he?? have i got an encouragement when i become angry? instead was told off....did i ever tell you off when you failed? did i? did i try ways and means to help you? did my ways hurt?was it too much??or too difficult to handle?wat ways have you tried to help me control my anger??name them...i'm not saying it's all yer fault.. i know when sumtiems we quarrel..it's your fault and my fault...and i jsut wanted to admit..but have you ever let me??why i want to tell you know and dun wan you to dont blame me cuz last time when i was todl not to blame myself i listen and dun blame myself...but in the end i was shot back...was told i was to be blame for everything...so you see... i want to hold sum responsiblity...i want to know where i go wrong..and not push it all to you...i want to work together...and not letting you take it all on yerself..you once said...go throught thich and thin together...but why is it always seem you are doing it alone...why when i'm in trouble i allow you to help me...why is it when you tell me to express my feelings i did...but you never give me a chance to care fer you??i love you...and i dun understand why you were the one telling me to express myself..and when i did...you were unhappy?? i mean is...when im angry of cuz i'll be angry...and my tone and way of speaking will be angry too rite??wat you expect me to do??when i'm angry i still must luff and smile fer you??isnt that abit insane?? like i have to hide my emotion??if it is so...why tell me to express it out in the first place??i dun want to hide anything from you..i'm just wantin you to know wat's goin on...but when i start to speak...you always interupt...evertime you raise yer voice to ask me to listen... i did rite?? but have you??everytime i want to say i'm unhappy abt a certain thing abt you...and i want to tell you...but when i want to tell you...you jsut shut me out...if it is so..how can i tell you??do you know sumtimes i'm really hurt by you??but i jsut keep quiet and keep it in me?? i know you do tt same way too...but it's different...cuz you never allow me to speak..so i cant tell you...but you..i'm always telling you to tell me all tt yer feeling....but you seldom telling...darling...today you have made me lose myself...i didnt want to go back on who i was...but you pushed me till i did...it isnt nice...and i dun understnad when it's at the edge den you'll regret...why?? wat if one day i can stand no longer... i ust hang up on you and end it all....wont tt be too late??you wont even have the time to say you were sorri and you regret...you wont have time to think...wont have time to take back wat you said...it's lucky this time...den i still bother..so i didnt hang up...gd thing my family is at home...tt's wat holds me back a lil...otherwise...i wont be here typing on my blog...today i felt lifted...like the feeling yer time is up...can almost see me dead...darling...why is it at the last min you tell me all this??sumtime i feel you hate me...and i never once every forget i love you...even when we have a heated quarrel..i never once forget i love you...never...and up till now... i dun have to use my mind to love you...my heart itself have the feeling...i know you no longer have tt feeling when we were first together...you only love me cuz your mind tells you so...sumtimes it scares me when you're numb...it's really scary...and it worries me every day...tt you're wif me cuz yer brain tells you tt you want to be wid me....but wat does yer heart says??and today you really said sumthing you shdnt...it was killed so bad...i guess i'll never gonna be the same...darling...a councillor...wont be able to council her ownself...jsut like a doctor wont be able to see to himself when he is sick...you actually ruin wat i was proud of...sumthing i can look up to myself...ad tt was the only thing i can feel happy about...tt i wasnt useless...at least i can help people wif their probs...you used to tell me i was a gd councillor..tt i was able to help people...and i feel happy...happy you're proud of me too..and i look up to tt cuz it made me feel useful...but i guess it was all fake...you probably jsut said it to make me happy...i cant believe you just said i was a bad councillor jsut becuz i cant council myself...actually no one can council themself...and i'm not say a professional...im jsut happy and willing to help people wif their probs...and i feel sooo happy.. i could help..or bring a smile to sumone..but i think they're luffing at me...jsut like you who look down on me...tat i wasnt gd at all...maybe i'm not gd...it's probably the truth...you lied to me...tt i was gd...gave me false hope...i was made a fool..thinking i was able to help people...lil did i know tt i wasnt gd cuz you shouted at me today tt i wasnt..it hurt...but it's alrite...guess it's jsut the way it is...tt i was really useless...no wonder my bro said i'm nothing at all...still remember him saying i was a peice of shit useless to the society...haiz...i feel low...felt looked down...felt small...so small...i was never belittled...last time i whd have stnad up to you...telling you tt i am gd....but i've no longer have tt in me...guess i've grown weak...not as strong as i used to be...being pushed all over...haiz...wat a shame...cerena...the once strong minded girl...now turned into a timid person...unable to fite back...unable to stand up...AHHA...luff at myself...weak ass...haiz...such a loser...i dun have self esteem...i used too...the "feeling not useless" was my only gd self esteem...but now it's gone...alll down the drain...my eyes are still hurting...it hurt very much...and the tears didnt make it any better...i'm jsut so hurt...tt's all...haha..CERENA IS A BIG LOSER! ahah...that's all over my mind rite now...you never tried to find out why i'm so hot tempered huh??haha...if you were me when i was young...haah..den you'll get to know...tt i was abuse...by my mom....it hurts you know...to be pushed down the stairs and hit yer head at the edge...hurts when you are dragged by yer own hair...hurt when you're punched in the face...hurt when you're being slammed head to head wif yer brother..hahaah/..hurt tt you have to be so afraid of life...so scared of yer own mother...being threathened every now and then...dread to go to sch cuz you're aware tt you mite die any moment...so risky to go out when you know sumone is finding to kill you...guess you didnt know all those...it took so long...to build a new me...and was so happy it was faster ever since you came into my life...but today i was brought back...back to where i was last time...every thing gone...haiz...well...i dun know...i hope you'll understand tt even tho everyone has a prob...but no one prob is tt same...i know tt sum are worse den me...but..i jsut needed sumone...to love me...cuz...i've never been loved by anyone like you...and is saddening.. i cry myself to sleep...only able to weep softly so my family can see....it's hard you know...to not be able to cry when you're so sad...haha....well.. i cdnt find my lighter today...i hold you to yer words...tt you wont care if i want to burn myself...haiz...burn...a pain over taking another pain...it helps...seriously it does...tried cutting...but it wasnt pain...just alot of blood...but burn....it's so pain...so very very pain...like it jsut eats you up...the scar will always be here....i can still see my very old wound...haha....well..i burn cuz i hate myslef...fer hurting people i love...and it's hard...not to help myself..cuz the only was is burning...and you're stopping me...aint tt abit to wat lorx..i cant do tis cant do tt...wat can i do to help myself??can you help me??wat have you helped me not to hate myself?? haiz...was told i was childish today...am i???tell me??frankly...all i know is tt i'm facing reality...not being childish...haiz...if i were wif you...i'd run...run away...and cry....like a small girl...lost in a world she dun no...i'm so scared of you sumtimes...the way you scold me...it scares me...weird..but it does...haiz...dunno la...i hope you're not tired of reading this..but its wat i gotta say...i hope you understand...and hope tt for nexttime b4 you ever think of saying anything.. i hope you think it through....cuz it can make permernent damage...gd nite...and take care kayz...