Saturday, July 17, 2004
hey peeps...who went to evss arts nite ytd??it rawk huhz??well...wanna thank my sweet baby liu li for screaming my name...haha...blehz..and fina also rite??andi know it wasnt you two...ahah...i whole bunch was...haha...thx my lovely darlings...love you all loads...haah...but i know we did suck la...ahahah..blehz...well...keng.. i think the horoscope thingy you said wasnt true la....my life didnt get better....got worser....haiz....maybe it's meant to be...for me to have pain everytime i smile...why is it always like tt?? den when there is sumthing tt makes me so happy i'll be put down by sumthing....god...why play wif my life...???it's not funny you now...haiz...guess i'll never be happy again...perhapes being gothtic will help...just push away all pain...all anger....everything..push all away...i dunno la...maybe i seriously have an attitude prob...you can dun go accept me...i'll just let it be...sumtimes i really feel so so so so sad and hurt...but i just keep quiet..not wanting to pull you out of yer happiness....i was really happy to tell you bout my day...but you had so many probs...and i feel very pain....that my poor baby is feeling so down...but guess you see it in a diff. way.....YOU STILL PUSH ME AWAY!!!! why??haiz..i was just trying to care for you...but when i just told you i wasnt really in the mood to tell you wat happen...you jsut shoot me and told me i'm always like dat... i admit i'm always like dat....and you are too....but why i cant accept you ...but you cant!!!well....maybe wat is said is comming true...whoever falls in love wif me will be unlucky fer hte rest of his life...haiz...i tot you'd change tt...you told me you would...haiz...guess you never huhz??haiz..probably you forgotten...you're always forgetting...haiz..one day you mite forget our ann. den later my b'day...den my number...den slowly.........me................and you'll forget tt you ever knew me......haiz....you told me you love me wif yer mind...but i guess you cant love me wif yer heart...it's hard...to love you....knowing you mite be wat you used to be...scared everytime you mite just leave me....scared of yer lower nature...bringing you down...haiz...i accept all of it....if i were any gal...you think i'll still be here???haiz...i've been told to let you go...and find my happiness....but i didnt...cuz i knew tt if i could try helping you...loving you...being wif you..and make you smile....den i'll be contented enuff....tt i dun ever need any more happiness...you really cant see tt i love you...tt i care....cuz you're always pushin my away...you never knew how much i love you...wat i feel...cuz you cant be bothered to hear me out....always blocking me away....haiz...nbm...i guess next time i'll jsut keep quiet....let you say all you wan....i dun know wat you really want...when i keep quiet...you ask me dun like tt and ask me to tok....but when i tok you shout at me to shut up....why?? i dun understand....you told me i always tell keng my probs....but did you knoe tt it is you whome i always tell to? i seldom tok to keng already....and when i said tt i'm jsut telling you i depend on you more already...but you turn around and shot me down by sayin tt i wan you to wash yer hands off jeanette....for fuck sake....if i wan tt whd i let you help her tt time...whd i force you to call her???did i hold you back from being her fren???and i even told her to forgive you and continue being frenz when she wanted to give tis frenship up! and you dare fucking said tt i wan you to wash yer hands off her....i know i dun like her...but i'm not evil ok! tt's wat is so weak about me...no matter how much i hate or dislike a person...my heart always is too soft...tt's the reason why i helped kah wai even tho she put me through so much pain...even kai sing had to scold me out of it so i wont regret....i guess you always see me as evil...always seeing my flaws....well...maybe i'm never gd enuff for you...never have been huhz??YOU WANT ME TO BE WAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!!!! YOU DIDNT EXPECT ME TO BE LIKE TT HUHZ??? why is it when jeanette has a prob..you tok her out nicely...how bout me??????did you???for fuck sake you ask me to damn well shut up....i guess she's always better huhz??? no wonder you can always surpass your other ex....always better den all yer gf....she better den me rite???probably i'm jsut like yer ex.....maybe i'm really a subsitute...dun tell me i'm not...but the way you're treating me it is ok!haiz... i guess i aint gonna tell you anything anymore...just shut it all in me....just pretend to smile and be happy....try my best to be wat you expect me to be....i'm gonna hide me inside of me....and show sumone else personallity....all this while i'm always being who i am...you told me i shd... and i did...but you hated it...it's weird huhz??tt you always lie....saying tt it's gd...or like saying tt i shd be proud of certain things...but wat the hell you did???you told me tt was my flaw!!! tt i look up to myself! omg....you told me i shd be this i shd be tt....doing this is gd for you...but when we quarrel you tell me all this is bullshit....so you were really lying huhz??guess you did....well....i'll go now...it's useless typing it all down here...cuz i know you do read...thanks...but it never goes in yer head huhz??you jsut read it blindly...like wat you always say....you're blind...but i'll help you...even if you're blind to see tt i'm helping...
always loving you even if you're too blind to see.......